Poor Naruto
by Wolf Sapphire
Summary: One-shot. SasuNaru pairing. A day in the life of Naruto Uzumaki and Sasuke Uchiha as a couple. And as the everyone in Konoha says "Poor Naruto"...Warning Yaoi! Rated for sexual innuendos, molestation of ukes, and pervertedness of the author and characters


AN: Wee! How I missed this chair… _/sits down and turns herself around after a few minutes/_ Gaack! Okay, okay, that's enough. Umph. _/face turns green/_ I'm getting seasick…

Sasuke: _/turns up and raises eyebrow at the author/ _Don't you mean chair-sick?

Wolf Sapphire: _/glares/_ Shut up you…

Sasuke: Hn._ /smirks smugly/_

Wolf Sapphire: _/glares/_ What are you doing here anyway?

Sasuke: _/hands note to WS/ _Apparently your RK fans want to know why you're not updating anymore.

WS: _/pales as she read the note/ /stands up from her super comfy, ultra deluxe version cushion chair/ _Eah…Well I better go now…_/dashes off screen just as distant angry voices erupted/_

Sasuke:_ /sweat drop/ _Hn… _/picks up note and read it/_ Hn. _/an evil smirk appears on his face/_

Naruto: _/appears onscreen/_ Oi, Teme! Where's Sapphy-chan? _/looks around/_

Sasuke: _/smirks wider/_ Hn, seems like she had somewhere to go. _/hands over note to Naruto/_

Naruto: _/pales as he read the note before his face turned a sickly green/_ Ano…I didn't know Sapphy-chan had so many angry fans…

Sasuke: Personally I liked the part where they'll use her as part of a demon-summoning ritual if she doesn't continue her stories.

Naruto: Sasuke-teme! That was mean _/pouts/_

Sasuke: _/leers lecherously/_ Don't you mean Sasuke-Seme Ruru-chan?

Naruto: _/blushes red/_ Eh! Don't call me that! And what the fudge do you mean by 'seme?

Sasuke: _/a certain glint in his obsidian eyes/ _Oh? Well let me show you my dear Ruru-chan.

Naruto:_ /shivers obliviously/_ Oi, Teme, what are you saying?

_/Shuffle/_ **/Shuffle/** _/Pinch/ _**/Slap/ **_/Lick/ _**/Punch/**_ /Growl/_ **/Grope/**

Naruto: AACK!! HELP!!

Sasuke: Kukuku, my Naru-chan.. _/Red Sharingan eyes flashed, black tomoes swirling/_ _**Mine…**_

Naruto: AAHHH!!

* * *

**Poor Naruto**

* * *

It was a beautiful late morning, the sun is shining brightly and the birds tweetering about in their warm nest.

"WAHHH!! SASUKE-TEME! DON'T YOU DARE COME NEAR ME!!"

The poor birds fell of their nest, forever traumatized to never sing again, while the sun took away to hide behind a gang of annoyed clouds as the hurricane known as "Naruto" - because seriously, his name means "maelstorm" in one form - errupted and nearly shook the whole of Konoha. The villagers were pretty much used to this, however unfortunately, so they were able to get resume their normal lives after a few awkward moments of silence.

Now, why is this such a natural occurrence to the citizens of the Leaf Village? Well you see it all started when Sasuke the now-ex-traitor-slash-convict voluntarily returned to Konoha a couple of months ago.

I know, you're thinking, "WTF?!". But seriously, he did. On his own free will might I add. How he got away from Orochimaru? Nobody knows, although it is widely speculated - yet vehemently avoided whenever in the strong shinobi's presence - that the Uchiha had somehow managed to drugged Orochimaru, possibly by luring the lustful, perverted pedophile-wannabe into a state of near-nakedness thus leaving the Snake ex-Sannin in a vulnerable state of drunken perversity and, therefore, easily controllable and making it more faster for Sasuke to escape.

Anyhow, that isn't important right now. Now, where was I? Oh yes…Sasuke voluntarily returned to Konoha. Why do you ask since he obviously hasn't killed his older, insane - although ridiculously hot and smexy - older brother Itachi? Well let's find out shall we?

CAMERA'S EVERYBODY! NOW, ACTION!!

**_- flashback -_**

"Sasuke..."

"Naruto..."

_/blink/ _**/blink/**

_/stare/_ **/stare/**

"You're back..."

**/smirk/ **"Of course dobe, why wouldn't I be?"

_/pause/_ "Because you're a power-hungry bastard?"

**/glares/** "Shut up dead-last..."

"Oi! Who are you calling a dead-last, teme!"_ /fumes/_

**/evil grin/ **"Hn, you're right"

"Wha?...I am" _/blinks in confusion/_

**/smirks/ **"Sure, I'll just call you wifey instead."

"WHAT?!"

"Something the matter, Ruru-chan?"

_/blush/_ "Don't call me that! And I'm not your wife, you teme! I'm a guy for crying out loud!"

**/blink/ **"So...?"

"So?!" _/fumes/_ "Is that all you have to say, bastard?"

**/smirks/** "Why? Do you want me to say what I'm thinking you want me to say?"

_/blink/ /blink/_

**/stare/ /stare/**

"Huh? I don't get it..."

**/sigh/** "Alright then, i'll say it in simple enough terms that even a moron like you can understand."

_/growls/_ "YOU TEME, I'll SH--!!"

**/kissu/ **_/kissu/_

_/shove/_ "ARE YOU INSANE TEME! I PUNC--!!"

_/kissu/_ **/kissu/ **_/lick/ _**/grope/**

"TEME! DID YOU JUST GROPE MY ASS?!"

**/smirks evilly/ **"Yes dobe and it's just as firm and soft as I imaged."

"WHAT?!"

**/smirks/ **"Now give your future husband some sugar Naru-koi."

"BASTARD!! I'M GONNA KILL YOU!!"

**_-end flashback -_**

...And ladies and fanboys, that is how Ichikaru (?) ramen stand has the big black hole in the wall next to it which still is there as of today. Those who were present had either cried, whooted like a peacock on coke (and not the kind served commercially if you get what I mean), or switched sides into what now became as the rise of the SasuNaru Fanclub. Devotees have been known to frolick on that certain wall and even held the occasional gatherings as the worshipped held their pilgrimages there while supporters squealled and laughed like a hyena whenever they passed by. Much to the irk of the ramen owner and to the huge amusement of his granddaughter, Ayame.

Now, I supposed you're just dying to know what happened to Nar-uke and Sasu-pervert after that fiasco? Well as it turned out, after much stalking, sleepless nights full of terror and paranoia, bruises forming and prides hurt, not to mention a quick trip to the hospital's intensive care unit (courtesy of a certain female Hokage with inhuman strength and a chuunin ex-instructor rampaging in full obsessive mother-hen mode), the two lovers had finally..well...made up and are now officially a couple, much to the chagrin of the fore-amentioned over-protective pseudo-guardians.

When questioned about their reactions, the said two stated that they wished the couple well and if ever the Uchiha brat does anything to make their 'precious Naruto' shed one more tear because of him, he'll might as well be seeing his lawyer for the finality of his will testiment and his insurance company.

Upon visitation in the hospital private wing, two more people expressed their sincerest goodwill to the couple after they had managed to finally get the artificial airway intubation set removed from their mouths. These who certain people, who wished to remain anonymous for fear of a return trip to the hospital's operating room, also expressed that should they ever need assistance, they are welcome to come to one or both for **'ahem' **private lessons. And, if they are willing, to allow one of the two to write a certain orange book about the young couple, in which therefore a series of live demonstrations is not required but eagerly encouraged.

After the initial shock, anger, jealousy, and pure disbelief wore off; it was noted that when spotting them at a group therapy for the slightly traumatized, the rest of the Rookie 9 and Gai's team (in which both Neji and Tenten nearly turned completely blind from the white flashing of teeth and the bouncing of green leotards which left nothing to the imagination of both their teammate _and _their sensei) also deeply expressed their good wishes towards the couple with unhindered amusement and, as a few of them quoted,

"So Troublesome." "It's destiny after-all." "THE POWER OF YOUTHFULLNESS" "..." "YAOI!! EEIIII!!" "BWAHAHA!!" "Nar...uto...and Sas...ke...? _Faints_" "Hm...Potato chips...Pork ribs marinated in barbeque sauce...Drool..."

...okay, maybe that last one didn't count...

Unfortunately, however, this also meant that Konoha is now laying witness to the scariest thing that has even happened to the Leaf Village since Orochimaru taking on a young female's face.

The mating habits of an ex-asexual and highly frustrated Uchiha with a libido as high as the Kyuubi no Kitsune standing on it's hind legs and an immense stamina thst could put a young horny rabbit to shame and decide to live a life of celibacy from now on.

And everyone living in the humble village would admit that they all shared the same thought.

"Poor Naruto..."

"WAH!! SASUKE, GET YOUR HAND OUT OF THERE!!"

"But Ruru-chan, I haven't seen you for the last three days since my mission."

"BAKA!! STOP THAT YOU HORNY BASTARD!! HEY! WHAT ARE YOU DO--ING!!"

"Um...now that's more like it."

"SASUKE!!"

"Hm...I just love hearing you say my name Naru-koi...but I have a better way of using that luscious mouth of yours..."

"GET OFF OF ME YOU BASTARD! HEY! DON'T YOU DARE THINK OF PUTTING IT IN THERE!!"

Like I said, poor Naruto. He's not going to sit down properly for weeks now.

"HEEELLLLPPPP!!"

"Puurrr..."

Nosebleed..Oh Damn...Where did I put my video cam again?

**-The End -**

AN: Lol, well that was...weird...And to think I was eating crab meat and mushroom with egg and aspharagus soup (Soup is the food of the gods I tell you!) when I had this epiphany...Very weird...

Sasuke: Well, despite your poor taste in food inspiration... _/smirks/_ I like it.

Naruto: _/blushes deeply/_ Of course you would, you horny bastard.

Sasuke: _/grins lecherously/_ at Naruto

Naruto: _/pales/_ Oh no...

Sasuke: _/lifts Naruto and carries him like a ukelicious sexy sack of potatos/_

Naruto: WAH!! Sapphy-chan! HELP!!

Sapphy...Er...WS: _/nosebleeds/_ Erm...There's a vacant room just down the hallway.

Sasuke:_ /smirks evilly/_ Thanks Sapphire.

**_After a few moments..._**

_/Shuffle/_ **/Zipped/** _/Slurped/_ **/Moan/** _/Shuffle/_ **/Growl/** _/Bang/_ **/Mewl/** _/BANG/_ **/BANG!/** _/Groans/_

Sapphire: Oh my... _/wipes nosebleed/_ You okay Daemon?

Daemon:_ /lays down unconscious on the floor in a pool of blood dripping from his nose/_

Sapphire: O.O Wow...And I thought that he's asexual like Sasuke used to be..

_/BANG/ _**/BANG/ **_/BANG/_** /moan/ **_/growl/_** /BANG/ **_/BANG/_** /THUD!!/**

Sapphire: Was that a table crashing? O.O_ /takes out her video cam/_ Ohohohohoho... _/sneaks out the door, literally running/_

Reviews are greatly appreciated people. :) Just click the lavender/purple button...you know you want to... winks


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